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jacquismom 11-05-2006 04:06 PM

Oh, how I wish . . . Thoughts before surgery
I don't know why, but today was tough for some reason. I worked late - didn't get home until almost 10 pm. My husband, Ken, had the kids. They completely wore him out and he shortly went to bed. And I find myself left alone with my thoughts tonight. Thoughts that won't let me sleep. I walked into Kyle's room and softly kissed Jacqui's baby brother goodnight. He had scooted himself down to the end of the crib and had his face buried in the corner as if he were attempting to dig an escape tunnel. I scooted him back up to where he should be and tucked him back in. Then I stepped into Jacqui's room and it hit me all at once.

Maybe it had something to do with the long day. Maybe it was partly because Kyle is teething and hasn't let me have 2 hours of consecutive sleep in over a week. That endless mental "to-do" list needing attention before we leave for New York which has been fraying the edges of my sanity may be partly to blame. Mostly though, it was just the sight of her. She looked so peaceful and she stirred suddenly and let out an adorable little sigh. I can't explain it, but I suddenly hated myself. I think because I know what's coming.

In less than two weeks our little girl will not be snuggled in her pink fairy princess bed, curls tousled from her last sprightly hop into bed, chocolate smudges on cheeks and fingers that tell me her daddy let her eat way too much Halloween candy today. I know that in what will seem like the blink of an eye the scene will not be so peaceful. It will be white, sterile, beeping and bustling with medical efficiency. Instead of what I see now, I will see a pale little face marked with nerve-mapping ink ringed by wires, tubes, and IV's. I know that when I bend down to kiss her the scent of iodine and antiseptic will have scrubbed away the scent of lavender and bubble bath - something that always makes me feel a little hollow inside. I know that below her rosy little cheek will be a long purple line of bruises laced with black stitches and suture tape. I know it will be my signature that put them there. I know that while I sit watching and praying, all of the sudden those beautiful brown eyes will flutter open and lock with mine filled with hurt, fear and confusion. They will plead with me to make it all go away - and I won't be able to.

I leaned down and kissed her and she mumbled something softly as her fingers curled tightly around mine. I wish more than anything that this could be different, that I could take her place. I wish there was something, anything I could do so that she could just stay here dreaming happy dreams amidst a menagerie of stuffed animals. She's just a baby. Babies shouldn't have to have so much hurt in their lives.

I know we're doing the right thing. I know it will make her life better - it already has. I know she will recover and be her bouncy frolicky little self in no time, but what I know just isn't connecting with what I feel tonight. I feel sick. I feel like a traitor. I feel so very, very tired. I just want it to be next month today.

Sorry to babble, but I knew most of you would understand. My heart just aches. Thank you so much in advance for your prayers. I know that God will be faithful in spite of what I feel right now. It's such a comfort to know that He never changes no matter how fiercely our emotions storm.

Michelle (Jacqui's Mom)

nickbar 11-06-2006 05:30 PM

We will be praying for your angel!

I hope getting all this out helps you. Sometimes it takes putting feelings on paper to get them out of your head to stop keeping you stressed and unrested. (at least that is how it works with me).

I know looking to the future..the unknown is scary and dreadful. Be'll soon be taking your little girl home and laying her back into her own bed and this time with all that "rough stuff" behind you. One day at a time! We'll be here for you.



jacquismom 11-06-2006 11:22 PM

Thanks Corinne -

Kyle slept through the night the entire night last night for the first time in weeks. Its amazing how a full night of sleep can help put things back in perspective. Ken made me sleep in on Sunday and that helped too.

Thanks so much for your kind words! Writing really does help a lot. For some reason once I get my thoughts on paper they don't tend to race around in my head so persistently. Things are really going well right now for Jacqui, and as a rule, I handle things quite well. Once in a while, it can all seem to be a bit much - thanks for listening on a day when my sanity was marginal.

Michelle ( Jacqui's Mom )

nickbar 11-07-2006 12:43 AM

sure thing. I hear you! Sometimes it is the "straw that broke the camals back"...

Keep us posted on Jacqui.


eprmo 11-08-2006 04:37 PM

what a powerful and moving post about your baby Jacqui,,which I can so relate too, mine is spelled, Jaci... anyway,, writing does help,,I know that too.

Luckily babies have very short memories, and she'll know Mommy is there for her,,and she'll feel your love and arms around her ..that's the most important memory she'll know,,the love and the feeling of her Mommy's love...(and Daddy)


sweet pea 11-15-2006 03:03 AM

it may hurt thinking about it now, but your doing the right thing. It will be better for her in the future. We will keep you in our prayers. it may also help to bring the blanket and other things from home to help her. I still remember when i was younger and in the hospital. i had my blanket and a stuffed animal that my mom had brought from home. It helped make it a little better. well good luck and god bless.

SHELLEY&ZACH 09-04-2008 07:03 PM

You have such a beautiful way with words. You captured all of the feelings and doubts we go through when we have to make such a difficult, heart-wrenching decision for our children. Your post brought me to tears because all of those emotions are identical to what my family has been facing. My son's surgery is next month, and we know it is the best thing for him, but struggle with whether or not we are ultimately making the right decision. Thank you for being so open with your makes it easier to know we are not alone.

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